Holy Rollers and Tech Bros sit side-by-side. Heads together. Legs apart. Comparing parchment scrolls and source code. Blending old-time religion with optimization models because Man: I wanna live forever. One argues the only way is through His Magic. Watch closely as wine becomes a dead son’s blood and bread becomes his body. A miraculous sleight of hand. The other swears the only way is through His Science. Watch closely as a young son’s blood revives his aging father’s body. A miraculous multigenerational plasma exchange. Bio-hacks are the new hair shirts. One more gadget designed to monitor piety and/or performance. Never mind, same thing. If no one knows about it, does your penance even count? Sanctity just another game when only suffering makes you worthy. What the pious really seek is transfiguration. Man’s Divine Glory. The perfect alpha male. Made in His image or His appetite? Never mind, same thing. So, which is better, old god or new? Trick question. It makes no difference when eternal life is promised only through the son. Meanwhile, TikTok prophets package purity where wellness vibes will keep us safe. Tradwives insist it really is all about freedom of choice. They sell us clean eating with a straight face through clenched teeth. Kneading bread behind a gleaming countertop. Pregnant. With a pedicure. Proving little girls still like to play dress-up when white women in prairie dresses slip on ballerina slippers to become foot soldiers for the patriarchy. Phyllis Schlafly greets them at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to eternity, says the spider to the fly. The rest of us, well, we’re just jezebels and welfare queens. Refusing the command to contort and conform to a white man’s conventions, while they plant their flag or plant their seed. Never mind. Same thing. Post-Roe isn’t pro-natal when motherhood is the main means of subjugation. Lot said it best. Save the men, fuck my daughters. We’re all just baby mamas for the children of Mars One prays for the apocalypse, the other makes it so. Watch them come together, side by side, as they step in line. Murmuring. Marching.                 Right,                         right,                                 right. God: It’s always been about control.